The #1 Interview Killer
Neediness is the job interview’s deadliest sin.
If there is one thing that can ruin your interview, it’s neediness. Showing it is the worst thing you can do .
Why Neediness is So Bad
When you are needy, you lose control.
When you are needy, you lose status.
When you are needy, you make bad decisions.
Neediness is bad for job interviews as much as it is bad for all other social interactions.
To quote the book “Pitch Anything”,
giving a hint of neediness or any sign of desperation, plainly put, is like saying, “I’m holding a bomb that could go off at any minute.” Everyone will respond by going on the defensive. Their first reaction is—Run!
Showing the sign of despair, you may elicit some empathy, but you will never inspire trust and confidence.
And you won’t get the job, unless the other party is as needy as you or has some hidden agenda that exploits your neediness.
Wanting is OK, Needing is Not
As humans, we hate rejection. We try to avoid it. When we face it, we feel uncomfortable, to say the least. To quote “Pitch Anything” again,
the disturbing thing about rejection is that you never really get used to it. It’s natural and even unavoidable to feel disappointment when you get a “No.” We all do. What’s certain is that none of us like being rejected. We want to avoid it. In high-stakes situations, we’re nearly always anxious about it.
Well, if we feel needy and validation-seeking, it will be very difficult not to show any signs of neediness. So the radical solution to overcome neediness is not to feel it. How do we go about that?
In his book, “Start with No… the Negotiating Tools that the Pros Don’t Want You to Know”, Jim Camp suggested rethinking what rejection is. And reframe your mindset from “need” to “want”.
Fear of rejection is a sign of neediness—specifically, the need to be liked. It is imperative for the negotiator to understand just what rejection is, and who can reject you and who cannot. Here’s the key point: Your adversaries in a negotiation cannot reject you. There’s nothing you need from them, so how can they reject you? It’s impossible.
The serious negotiator understands that he or she cannot go out into the world spending emotional energy in the effort to be liked, to be smart, to be important.
Instead of putting yourself in the frame “I need this job”, approach the interview rather with the mindset: “I want this job, but I don’t need it”. Frame your approach this way, and you will not have to worry about showing any signs of neediness.
What happens if we simply substitute the word and the emotion “want” for “need”? The dynamics change… As good negotiators, the word “want” means something we work for, strive for, plan for, but it is never confused with “need.”
“Need” is death, “want” is life. Believe me, this different attitude will be instantly perceived by the folks on the other side of the table. Confidence and trust go up across the board. Control and discipline go up for you.
I recognize that not feeling needy might be easier said than done, especially if you have already had a fair share of rejections. In the last part of this article, you will find a few tips on how to avoid showing it.
The Anti-Neediness Checklist
As neediness can show in many ways, big or small, a below checklist of do’s and don’ts can raise your awareness about the signs of neediness and better ways to avoid it.
Job Application:
Don’t: don’t apply for several jobs in the same company.
Do: apply for one job that interests you the most.
Taking Appointment:
Don’t: don’t use the begging tone in a request for an appointment
Do: use a formula “I am not sure if (this is for you), but…”
So instead of saying “I want to see if I could get fifteen minutes of your time on your calendar so I can show how we can work together in the future”, say “I’m not quite sure if I fit for the role, but what I’d like to do is meet with you so we can see your needs and you can look at what I can do and see if there is a fit. When’s the best time on your calendar?”
Let’s stop here for a second. Phil Jones in his book “Exactly What to Say: The Magic Words for Influence and Impact” describes how this approach works.
One of the most common reasons I hear from people as to why they fail to introduce their idea, product or service to others is the fact that they are fearful of the rejection they might receive. It was for this reason that I figured the best place to start is with a set of Magic Words you can use to introduce something to just about anybody, at just about any point in time, that is completely rejection-free. The words in question are, “I’m not sure if it’s for you, but...”
Let’s take a moment to understand how this simple structure works. Opening a statement with the words, “I’m not sure if it’s for you,” causes the listener’s subconscious brain to hear, “There’s no pressure here.” By suggesting that they may not be interested, you naturally increase their intrigue. They wonder what “it” is, and this spike in curiosity hooks them. What’s more, it fires an internal driver that tells them a decision needs to be made, and the soft approach ensures this decision feels unpressured and internal.
The real magic, though, is delivered through the final three-letter word of this sequence, a word that typically should be avoided in all conversations: the word “but.” When you say to somebody, “I’m not sure if it’s for you, but.. .,” the little voice inside your listener’s head hears, “You might want to look at this.”
You can also use this formula at the end of your opening elevator pitch during your interview.
Greeting:
“Hello, I am Peter Jones.”
Don’t: if the other party has introduced himself with the first and last name, don’t respond by greeting her with his last name. “Hello, Mr. Jones”. By responding in this way, you appear subservient and this puts you at a disadvantage.
Do: use the first name instead. “Hello, Peter”
How you talk:
Don’t: don’t talk too much, in a high-pitched voice. Don’t rush.
Do: Be brief and to the point. Lower your pitch. Slow down.
What you say:
Don’t: don’t talk about how badly you need this job. Don’t low you down.
Do: Focus on the things you do well. Be excellent Ask good questions.
And last but not least, a strong time frame & willingness to withdraw are among the best ways to counteract your validation-seeking behavior. Back to “Pitch Anything”:
A strong time frame communicates, loudly and clearly, that you are needed somewhere else. Willingness to withdraw demonstrates a self-control, strength, and confidence that most targets will greatly admire.
Eliminate your desires. It’s not necessary to need things. Sometimes you have to let them come to you.
Be excellent in the presence of others. Show people one thing that you are very good at.
Withdraw. At a crucial moment, when people are expecting you to come after them, pull away.
Art: Christophe Niemann, from the book “Sunday Sketching”