#54 - W.A.I.T. (Why Am I Talking?)
Words. There is nothing better - or at least, more convenient - to communicate, influence, comfort, thank, share knowledge, encourage, negotiate... Words seem so abundant, ubiquitous, and coming out of thin air that we treat them like a free and renewable energy source, that is, with a certain amount of carelessness.
This newsletter is about words. It starts with tattoos, continues with a frightening thought experiment from Chinese science fiction, and goes on with 3 practical ideas that help handle words with more care and intent, and thus, with more impact.
Why Am I Talking?
The theme for this newsletter came when I saw pictures of tattoos that young people in Russia do to express their protest against the war - just as open calls for peace these days can get you in jail. "xxx xxxxx" that you see on the cover image stands for "Нет войне" - No to War.
"There is almost no possibility left to express one's anti-war attitude: the actions of public discontent are banned, the authorities eliminate posters and graffiti, and any attempt to condemn the invasion can get you in jail. In this desperate and hopeless situation, many people use their own bodies as a space to express their opinion. For many, the tattoos done after February 24th are the first ever. Tattoos effectively enable them to go out for a silent and lonely protest action against the war. In the subway, in offices, or in supermarkets people show each other that they are not alone. And that war is still going on. Right now."
Source: Let Them See: We Exist, And We Are Many, the feature article by Medusa.io (in Russian only, but there is an English version of this publication with extensive anti-war coverage)
I thought about another tattoo - shared by Austin Kleon in one of his recent newsletters. It's this four-letter mantra that hides the powerful question we fail to ask ourselves most of the time: W.A.I.T. - Why Am I Talking?
"A reader told me about an acronym people in the coaching world use frequently: WAIT, which stands for “Why Am I Talking?” There’s something about this acronym that is more helpful and hits much harder than my usual “Shut up and listen” mantra. I’ve taken to giving myself temporary tattoos on my arm"
City of Silence
Words and the truth they convey can be so powerful that can get forbidden. For most of us who live in places with freedom of speech, this seems absurd and unimaginable. How would you feel if before you write or say something you would have to refer to "The List of Healthy Words" and would wear "The Listener", a portable language-filtering machine that would warn you every time you hear or use a forbidden word? This dystopian view comes from the award-winning story "The City of Silence" by Ma Boyong, which is part of 看不见的星球 - Invisible Planets - an anthology of contemporary Chinese SF, edited and translated by Hugo Award winner Ken Liu. This story gives me shivers...
"Avardan clicked REPLY, and then opened a text file with the name "List of Healthy Words" in another window. This file contained the words and fixed expressions which the appropriate authorities required every Web user to use. When they wanted to compose emails or use the discussion forums, they must find the appropriate words from this list with which to express themselves. If the filtering software found any Web user using a word not on this list, then the word would be automatically shielded and replaced with the phrase "Please use healthy language".
The list was updated constantly. Every revision meant that a few more words disappeared from the list. This forced Avardian to exercise his brain to come up with other words to substitute for the words that were shielded.
The List of Healthy Words forced people to compress as much information as possible into the fewest words, and to eliminate all unnecessary flourishes and figures of speech. The resulting compositions were like that cup of distilled water: flavourless. Avardan sometimes thought that one day he would become as bleached out as the emails and distilled water because he wrote such emails and drank such water."
And when you think that this dystopian future of ultimate censorship is impossible, I invite you to read the opening lines of the story: "The year was 2046..."
Source: Invisible Planets, edited and translated by Ken Liu
Read the Air
In some cultures, you can get the message just by listening to words being said. In other places, it's not enough: you'll need to "read the air", to grasp the meaning from the context and what is NOT said. According to Erin MEYER, the first dimension that people working across cultures must be aware of is the Communicating scale that places different countries and cultures on a spectrum from low-context to high-context:
"In low-context cultures, effective communication must be simple, clear and explicit in order to effectively pass the message, and most communicators will obey this requirement, usually without being fully conscious of it. The United States is the lowest context cultures, followed by Canada and Australia, the Netherlands and Germany, and the United Kingdom (...) "Tell them what you are going to tell them, then tell them, then tell them what you've told them." This is the philosophy of low-context communication in a nutshell.
In high-context cultures, it's not necessary - indeed, it's often inappropriate - to spell certain messages too explicitly. Good communication is sophisticated, nuanced, and layered. Messages are both spoken and read between the lines. Messages are often implied but not plainly expressed."
Source: "The Culture Map", by Erin Meyer
3 Words That Kill Conversations
"An easy habit for people who like to win to fall into, and a surefire shortcut to killing conversations, is to start a sentence with “no,” “but,” or “however.” It doesn’t matter how friendly your tone is or how honey sweet you say these words, the message to your recipient is “You are wrong.” It’s not “Let’s discuss,” “I’d love to hear what you think,” it’s unequivocally, “You are wrong and I am right.”
If you’ve discovered you have this annoying habit, here’s a little advice on what you can do to change. If you are at work, pause before you speak, take a breath, and ask yourself, “Is my comment going to improve this person’s commitment or make this person more committed? At home, do the same. Pause before you speak, take a breath, and ask yourself, “Is this comment going to improve my relationship with the person I love?” At work if the answer is “no,” at least half the time whatever you were going to say isn’t worth saying. At home if the answer is “no”, it is almost never worth saying."
Source: "No. But. However" by Marshall Goldsmith
23 Magic Phrases for Influence and Impact
It's fascinating how a subtle change of wording can transform the outcome of the entire conversation. A short and powerful book "Exactly What to Say" by Phil M Jones will forever change the way you sell and influence. It contains 23 magic word sets to apply to your conversations. They help you become more persuasive and influential in everything you do - because these words talk straight to the subconscious brain that is free from maybes and responds on reflex. Use many examples from this book to create your own - and feel the power! :)